FREE
POST PANDEMIC JOKES

You'll Need These When Your Audiences Feel Like Laughing Again.

Pick the ones you like and that you know will make your audiences find humor in what they've just endured.

I’d tell you a coronavirus joke right now, but you’d have to wait two weeks to see if you get it.

There are so many coronavirus jokes out there; it’s a Pundemic.

COVID 19 is like Pasta: Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

China finally got what they want ! They managed to coron-ise the world.

Because of the Pandemic, nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.

This Corona virus is a blessing.
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
She doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. She spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Apparently, (Insert Well Known Celebrity Name) is rumored to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, his knees were weak and his arms were heavy. He had vomit on his clothes when he arrived to be tested. Initial testing has revealed it was his mom's spaghetti.

The first case for COVID-19 has been confirmed in Russia. The patient's name is Ivor Chestikov.

The World Health Organization (better known as WHO) has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Did you hear the joke about the germ (Covid 19, Flu,etc.)? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

What should you do if you don’t understand one of my coronavirus jokes? Be patient. You'll get it.

Think about it: If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaran-teens.

As reported on television, John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.

Something as small as a virus can kill a human. We're all wimps!

Yo momma is so fat... She was diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus and they gave her 50 more years to live.

Hillary Clinton got sick from eating at a high end restaurant. She claimed her server had a virus.

What did the virus say to the bacteria? Looks like our pathogens have crossed.

They quarantined part of the airport today. It looked like a virus was spreading among the passengers. It was a terminal illness.

Speaking of viruses...
What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?
Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue. Never mind. You had to be there to catch it.

Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected.
No one seems to care.

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard they fall on their asses. They're calling it the mass achoo sits .

A man is staring into his whiskey
The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"Three of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today an ice cream sandwich ruined my phone."
"I.T. sounds rough", the barkeep says sympathetically.
"I.T.? Internet Technology?", the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."

Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?
Because he was such a bad influenza.

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population? It's called Chirpies.
What's most heartbreaking about it is that it's...untweetable.

Do-It-Yourself Joke.
Ebola (Covid 19, Flu, etc. Insert latest Virus name) causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of. Is it a virus or a free U2 album? (Insert other likely items that are hard to get rid of...like Mike Lindell's My Pillow Commercials?)

Quick Medical Quiz: Which one of these is a deadly virus?
A. Bola
B. Bola
C. Bola
D. Bola
E. Bola

 

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."
"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just about the only thing we can slide under the door."

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04/05/20 Jokes contributed by Jerry Hornak The Magician

We are 11 days into isolation and it is really upsetting me to see my wife at the living room window gazing aimlessly with tears. Don't get me wrong, I do empathize with her. I've considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

If they come up with a vaccine for Covid-19, I’d say it’s worth a shot.

Take good care of your Toyota, there's a Corolla virus going around

I wonder if anyone notices how strange it is in the newspaper listing that people die from the virus in alphabetical order.

I told my wife how thankful I was to be quarantined with someone I enjoy so much.
She replied, "Must be nice."

Just went to the cafe and my barista was wearing something over her mouth.
I asked, "Is that a surgical mask?" and she said "No, it's just a coughy filter"

The time was right to use my extreme lifelong introversion to start a new business. I'm now a highly qualified quarantine consultant.

Tell your kids not to chew on crayons ... unless they want the Crayola Virus.

Thanks, Jerry! Let no good Jokes of taste go to waste! - Spellbinder

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Start collecting them now. You'll use them when it's over!

Add new Pandemic Jokes you think are suitable for magician's patter and share them by e-mailing them to magicnook@yahoo.com

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